Will you ever stop loving me?

Will you ever start drifting apart from me?

Will you ever tell me that we aren't the same anymore; that we don't have 'it' anymore?

Will it ever come to an end?

...

Sometimes it's scary - just thinking about the future and what may be. Yes, people are imperfect - knowing the future could very well give many a heart attack...or even a certain kind of fear. I suspect this is why people, in general, have a love-hate relationship with knowing what the future holds. 

I don't know if you have realized it but over the months that I have been with you, I have come to love you more than I should. I have come to look at you in the eye and see my future rolling past in them. I have come to even imagine what life would be if you were ever gone from my life. Now, it is not so much the knowledge of my love for you that scares me but the latter - what if you ceased to become part of my life and instead, transform into a mere, sometimes and mayhap painful memory?

Do you even notice it...when I sometimes just cry in your arms for no apparent reason? When you ask and I say nothing? I never know how to tell you what I really feel. I know that you know of how much I love but I don't think you realize HOW much my love has grown over these past few months - especially of lately.

Despite my hard efforts to hold my emotions back, to not depend on someone emotionally again like how I was like with my ex, I seem to have failed. And it scares me.

This love of mine scares me...

...when I wish I was right beside you at this very moment in time.

...when I wish we were but a few kilometres away from each other.

...when I wish to breathe in the familiar smell of you.

...when I want to do nothing else but spending the days lazing in your arms.

...when all I can think of is you.

It is at times like this that I wish I didn't have to spent two-thirds of my life working to sustain myself and my future. That I didn't have to be so tired out from work every day so much so that sometimes I look forward to the mere thought of a holiday.

I think I just wished for all those things today.

I was so looking forward to talking to you but my body is starting to feel the strain from overworking and the simple thought of what tomorrow entails is enough to make me want to burst out into tears - two classes, two meetings, an exam invigilation...non-stop work from 8am till 4pm. Not even a break in between for lunch.

Sometimes I wish I don't have to work at all.

It's crazy.

Cheri,

I had a good time this weekend, even though it threatened to start off quite rockily with you-know-who on Friday night...but just being with you was enough to chase those thoughts away. I don't think I have ever felt this way in a long time - carefree, full of laughter, and just being able to be myself and more importantly, my kiddy self. I hate to say it but I wish I was a child again...

To be able to laugh so freely; to be myself without cares; to enjoy the company of great friends and wonderful loved ones; to not worry about putting up pretenses...

Just to be myself...o' what joy that brings...

You know, as we were busy talking about our impending holidays on our see-saw, I felt more than happy...I felt wonderful. Doing all those things with you, sharing my thoughts, sharing this happiness that had seem to come again these past few days. Too long has it been since I last laughed without having to worry if I was insulting anyone or hurting my partner.

Sometimes I tell myself that our relationship is...oddly perfect...and yet I'm afraid to jinx it. I don't know if you have noticed it or not, but we have a funnily happy yet child-like relationship - filled with spontaneity, joy, love, openness and honesty. Perhaps it is the way we are as individuals...perhaps it is because of our past that has led us to change into radically different people...or...

Perhaps it is just because of love.

Do you remember what it was like when you were a child and in love?

I think it is just like what we have...

Bises.

Cheri,

Every time I hear this song, I think of you...

Every time it crosses my mind, I feel you...

If anything, I wish I had the voice to sing it to you. But I suppose I'll have to settle for just the lyrics. Perhaps one day you'll hear this song...one day...

All I Ask Of You Phantom of The Opera

RAOUL
No more talk of darkness,
Forget these wide-eyed fears.
I'm here, nothing can harm you -
my words will warm and calm you.

Let me be your freedom,
let daylight dry your tears.
I'm here, with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you . . .

CHRISTINE
Say you love me every waking moment,
turn my head with talk of summertime . . .
Say you need me with you,
now and always . . .

Promise me that all you say is true -
That's all I ask of you . . .

RAOUL
Let me be your shelter,
let me be your light.
You're safe
no-one will find you
Your fears are far behind you . . .

CHRISTINE
All I want is freedom,
a world with no more night . . .
and you always beside me
to hold me and to hide me . . .

RAOUL
Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime . . .
Let me lead you from your solitude . . .
Say you need me with you here, beside you . . .
Anywhere you go, let me go too -

Christine, that's all I ask of you . . .

CHRISTINE
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime . . .
say the word and I will follow you . . .

BOTH
Share each day with me, each
night, each morning . . .

CHRISTINE
Say you love me . . .

RAOUL
You know I do . . .

BOTH
Love me - that's all I ask of you . . .
Anywhere you go let me go too . . .
Love me - that's all I ask of you . .

Cheri,

It is at times like this where I feel tempted to send you a cute little e-card just to say I'm sorry for being too busy. Work AND gym has somewhat turned me into this little workaholic who becomes too tired upon reaching 9pm and has to promptly sleep soon or else she'd turn into a little cranky person. Couple that with the fact that I haven't seen you in weeks and miss you terribly...

Well...it's enough to make anyone cry.

I won't be able to come see you over the next few months because of some training session that will be conducted during the weekends. I wish I could skip all that just to spend some time with you but I can't.

As you would have already experienced, my brain was going through an overload this week and as a result, I have been more 'tired' out than before...hell, I was even more crankier. I'm sorry if I have exploded at you for no apparent reason. I can't seem to apologize more than I can...I want to but it is just not possible.

*sighs*

Hell, I don't even know what I'm writing.

I just want to be in your arms again, forget that I have heaps of work at the office...I just want to hold you, touch you, sleep beside you...and just for you to wash all my worries away...